I recently received my transcripts for Santa Clara University the other day. It has been almost one quarter century now since I was last a student there! I cried upon reading them because of the story it told of a time when mental illness and addiction swept me off the amazing path I was on…
I had a few major experiences while first at college here which shaped me as a person.
First, I was challenged. I could not skate through half-assed anymore. I had to actually do the work. Not only that, but I had to learn how to actually study. I floated through high school. But SCU was much different. It was beyond beyond next level. I struggled and could not get top marks like I could easily before. This motivated me to actually learn how to learn.
Second, I was able to succeed academically and was granted access to the honors program despite not having the required GPA. This helped me learn to believe in myself, and my potential in the classroom.
Third, I was allowed to design my own major. I approach the Communciations department about research I wanted to do around how technologic advancement on modes of communication affected the human condition. This was a great insight into what was to come. We were not yet using cell phones regularly, let alone smart phones.
Fourth, I was excelling academically and hyper focused on research as an undergraduate. However, I began to lose interest in things I would normally be interested in. I also minimized interaction with others, and ultimately obsessed over my concepts and theories. I was manic, but didn’t know it yet. In my sophomore year of college I was first diagnosed bipolar by the school psychiatrist. I struggled to complete Spring quarter classes and dropped out of school after my first attempt at suicide. I don’t want to die. I just wanted the pain to stop.
The next quarter century was marked by challenges with mental health, addiction, life, work and relationships. There were many ups and downs along the way.
Today, I have been stable for some time. I have a beautiful family, career, and have been sober over four years. I attribute this to my faith in God, service in Alcoholics Anonymous, outside professional help from the medical community, and a lot of lifestyle changes most importantly an ongoing and ever evolving spiritual practice including journaling, prayer, meditation, yoga, mindfulness, and exercise.
My you find hope here, especially if you can relate : )